Friday, January 06, 2006

Adult Entertainment Expo

Boobie Overload
Sands Expo Center, Las Vegas, NV

The fact that the Adult Entertainment Expo coincides with the gargantuan and male-dominated CES is a stroke (ahem) of absolute brilliance on the part of the planners. While there isn't much crossover between pr0n producers and technology executives, there are thousands of 50 dollar expo tickets available to thousands of men with 50 dollars to spend.

We begin downstairs in what later turns out to be the booth ghetto. Here is where the past-their-prime stars are relegated to push their new production companies, websites, and videos. We meet and I get a picture with Peter North, whom I am told is legendary in his field. My friend tells me that my picture with him now gives me cred in a way I never knew I needed cred.

After seeing a terrifying 3D video and meeting a gal with the biggest knockers I've seen in my life (ouchie! back pain!), we realize we need a change of scenery fast or we're going to slit our wrists. So it is a relief to walk upstairs and see the REAL booths by familiar brand names (oh be quiet - you know them too), the *current* industry stars, and the accessories. There is a pogo stick with a dildo on it, a sling contraption called Bonkum, and countless performance-enhancing "all natural" potions to get you off X.

The people visiting this show as fans are exactly who you'd expect: gawking college students and program managers who can't believe their good fortune but are dismayed to see that the only naked boobs they will see are on posters. The interesting guys are there for the conference itself. These are video producers, directors, and distributors with too much hair product and cologne and who look like caricatures of themselves. They are all business, walking through the booths collecting swag and talking on their phones. And they make more money than you.

At one point I go into a restroom where six girls are preparing for their booth shifts. I'm not sure if these are actual video stars or up & coming starlets who dream big. Either way they couldn't be more than 21. They are dressed in chains and tiny swaths of fabric and they examine their asses for flaws before they start their shifts. How these gals stand in those heels for hours at a time is beyond me, though we see some shivering and hobbling by the end of the day.

We hit boob overload after a couple of hours--since there is no full-on nudity here, the content gets a bit repetitive. As we head to the door my friend spots the only adult film star he actually recognizes. She is signing autographs and posing for pictures, so he makes a beeline for her. He is enthralled and enchanted until she opens her mouth and talks, revealing her dim-wittedness. My pal broke a golden rule that applies equally to musicians, artists, and adult film stars that we revere, and I offer it to you as a warning: go ahead and love their work, but don't expect them to be good at other stuff, like talking. Knowing too much takes some of the magic away.


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