Thursday, February 02, 2006

Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling

3, 2, 1, BATTLE!
Rebar, Seattle, WA

This is not the right event for my cute new sweater. A more appropriate garment would have been my Misfits hoodie (note to self: buy Misfits hoodie). Thank the lord almighty I am at least wearing Docs. Unless you are a stylist, you cannot wear cute clothing to SSP Wrestling.

The crowd here is excellent: faux-hawks, mohawks, ample chainery, gorgeous tattoos, and some super mean looking people that you know are total teddy bears just under the surface. Most of the folks here are regulars since it takes some work to even find out about the event, which happens the first Wednesday of each month at the Rebar and you should totally go.

Just as the matches start I go to the bar to get cocktails. There's a bit of a line, but I'm up next. Then this gal comes up, somehow gets the attention of the bartender, and proceeds to make the MOST COMPLICATED DRINK ORDER EVER involving two different shaken drinks, mixed drinks, etc. I am trying to remain calm, but her friend notices the steam shooting out of my ears and tells the gal I'm really mad. "No no! Not mad! It's fine!" I lie. But she insists on paying for my drinks, and then she doesn't have enough cash. So I hand her six bucks, she gives four to the bartender for the rest of the bill, then ONLY TIPS TWO DOLLARS on a six drink order! Jeez!

Like WWE wrestling, this event features a regular cast of characters, carefully selected and groomed for maximum audience response. The crowd loves to hate the cocky and bonkable Mr. Fitness, is required to hate Domestic Violence, and cheers like crazy for Simba and Lucia Dora, who uses the Famous Lucia Lock on her (HER) competitors. The regulars also have high standards for the wrestling moves. Give them anything remotely fake-looking, and they will holler until it gets more violent.

A guy struts in and stands next to us. He is wearing a black cutoff sleeveless shirt, arm bands with metal hooks all over them, tight pants, and big boots. But he's a scrawny little thing and clearly needs to make a statement, so he shakes up and sprays his beer all over the audience whenever possible. I see him later drinking his beer through a straw, which we all know from high school will get you messed up way faster.

As the evening progresses the wrestling gets better. Wrestlers are tossed against the wall, thrown off the stage, pile-driven, choked, and twisted, all the while being PELTED WITH BEER CANS from the crowd. Deevious Silvertongue looks like Peter Frampton so we freak out when he wins his match. Weapon of Mass Destruction battles Masta Blasta and both get airborne at some point. The announcers keep screaming their commentary as wrestlers come back from certain death and trounce their opponents.

The key to enjoying SSP Wrestling is: BUY IN. If you decide that serious injury among the wrestlers or the crowd is imminent, you'll have a great time. Condoned violence always makes for a good show.


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